


Adults can be mean too

by trombonistnicole



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drabble, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mentioned Adam (Voltron), Sam Holt is a Good Dad, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-05 03:32:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17911211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trombonistnicole/pseuds/trombonistnicole
Summary: Someone accuses Matt of being a homewrecker and he spirals into a cycle of self-loathing. Even though it's not true.





	Adults can be mean too

**Author's Note:**

> Adam and Shiro are raising Keith together in this story. This is set a few years before Kerberos.

It was worse than getting punched in the face. What they said, it wasn't true, and he knew it. The insult really made no sense. But that didn't matter. It didn't matter how much sense the insult did or didn't make. That wasn't the point. The point was that people thought that about him. Thought that he would do something like that. Thought that he could ever hurt someone like that.

Dad had seen him upset, on the verge of tears, even, and done the only thing he could: order him to run some offbase errands for him (code: go home and rest). Dad was the best. He couldn't know, though. He could never know what was going on. He couldn't tell Mom, either. She might actually kill someone for real. And Katie was 11. Not exactly a good choice.

He had no one to talk to. No one he could tell what was going on. He hadn't even done anything wrong. He'd just been a good, affectionate friend to Shiro and Adam. Right? He'd never expressed any kind of interest in them whatsoever. He might have felt the slightest something for Shiro, but he would never  _ ever _ act on it. He wasn't a homewrecker! Shiro had a boyfriend who he was raising a kid with. And never mind the implications that him being a homewrecker would require Adam or Shiro to be cheaters, which was just not possible. They were way too good of people with way too good a relationship for that. Or maybe they had taken that into account? What if Matt was soiling their reputations, just by being near them? What if he was really the problem? No, he wasn't a homewrecker, but if he was getting that reputation, that meant that he was fucking up Adam or Shiro's reputations. Maybe that was his fault. If it was… they were probably better off without him. They didn't need him mucking up their lives. He was a terrible friend and he didn't deserve them.

 

Dad didn't just let it go that night, though. He wanted Matt to talk to someone about it. To someone? To who? He didn't have any options. There was nobody he could talk to about this. Mom suggested a therapist, but that was… embarrassing. God, what if someone saw him there? Saw him… needing help. 

For Matt's relationships to last in their current state, he had to maintain one thing: they could never know if he was sad. Matt Holt didn't Do sad. He was happy. Funny. Enthusiastic. He wasn't sad. If they saw him sad they might worry, and worrying would change their relationship. He didn't want that. He wanted his friends to know and love Happy Matt. None of this sadness stuff. That was for him to know and for everyone else not to know. 

God, what if they did find out? What if they did find out about the self-loathing, the insecurity and anxiety? What if they found out that not every joke was totally a joke? What then? They would never look at him the same again. He wouldn't be Matt anymore. He would be Matt, are you ok? from then on. He didn't want that. He couldn't have that. 

 

It didn't get better. Every day, the same thoughts bounced around in his head like caffeinated flies stuck in a glass jar. He tried to stop them, he really did. No, he wasn't a homewrecker. Yes, he was a good friend. Yes, people did really love him. Yes, he deserved as much as anyone else

But it didn't help, not really. He still hated himself. He still overanalyzed everything he said and did, picking it apart until he found a way that put him at fault. He was trapped in this miserable cage of miserable thoughts.

After a week of this, of watching her son suffer, Mom tried to convince him to either talk to someone he trusted or see a therapist. She was worried, as any parent would be. He knew she just wanted him to be happy. To actually be the person everyone thought he was. Happy, enthusiastic, confident Matt. God, what would his friends say if they knew his whole personality was a lie? What kind of a fake bitch was he? He was the worst. He didn't deserve to have such good friends, such good parents, such a good life. He was just a selfish lying piece of shit who would probably sleep with his best friend given the option. No, he wouldn't. Well, no, it wasn't an option. It would never  _ be  _ an option. His best friend was ace. And also taken. By another very good friend of Matt's.

He just wanted someone to talk to. He relented. He would see a therapist on Sunday. Maybe then he would be free from this loop.

 

Sunday rolled around. He dreaded the appointment the entire time leading up to it, but it really wasn't so bad. He just chatted with his new therapist- Jenna -talked about his deep-seated self hatred, and had a minor meltdown. Just an average Sunday, really. Talking about it had helped, though. It helped ease the burden.

Still, it was draining. He was exhausted after being all honest about what he was really feeling and stuff. Also crying. Crying took a lot of energy. 

But when he emerged from the office and headed back to the waiting room, he saw the two people he wanted to see least. Adam and Shiro. Adam and Shiro, who he had been avoiding and shying away from, and who were now seeing him coming out of a meeting with a therapist with red eyes.

He basically ran out of there. He needed to be gone. He needed to be home. Home was safe, where everyone loved each other and stuff. Home didn't require you to deal with your friends who just wanted to care about you and worry about you and make sure you're ok when you really just want them to pretend they can't tell you're not fine.

He got home and made a beeline for the couch, where Mom's lap made a very good pillow for his head. He could tell she was worried, but she didn't say as much. She just gave him some soft and gentle words while petting his hair. It was nice. Dad called everyone to dinner, but then he did that thing where he and Mom had a zero word conversation and he brought the plates to the living room. Matt reluctantly sat up to eat, even though he didn't have an appetite.

“How was it?” Mom asked, looking at Matt with worry in her eyes.

He shrugged noncommittally. He didn't really want to talk about it.

The room fell quiet for a bit. Finally, Dad broke the silence. “Katie, how's your code going?” he asked.

“Good,” she answered, “although it's giving me a bit of trouble.” 

“Do you want any help?” Dad offered. He often offered it, even though she'd never once accepted. She wanted to do this herself, she claimed.

She shook her head. “No thanks. I can figure it out.”

He smiled. “Ok. But you know you can always ask any of us for help if you need it, right?”

She rolled her eyes. “Yes, I know, Dad.” 

“You too, Matt,” he added. Matt had a feeling he wasn't talking about code this time.

He nodded. He knew that. He knew that if he wanted to talk, his parents would listen. But… it just wasn't a good idea. He didn't want to risk them reacting in a way that would change anything major.

They made small conversation for the rest of dinner. After they finished, Mom cleaned up, even though it was normally Matt's job. They were doting on him now. That's just how this was gonna be, huh? He sighed. He probably needed it.

He lied back down on the couch, this time using an actual pillow for a pillow. Katie looked at him for a moment before lying down directly on top of him on her stomach. She weighed basically nothing, so he didn't mind. It was sweet. 

Dad smiled fondly at his children before heading off to help Mom. His parents were the best. He didn't deserve them.

Katie eventually got bored and went upstairs, presumably to work on her code. Dad came back in and gently lifted Matt's feet up and sat down, placing them back down in his lap. He squeezed Matt's right foot gently. “How are you doing?” he asked, voice gentle.

He sighed. “I've been better,” he admitted. He wasn't sure what else to say.

“Is there anything I can do?” he asked. 

Matt shrugged. “Probably not.” This was probably something he just had to get through himself.

“If you think of anything, let me know. I just want to help you feel better.” Dad smiled at him, trying not to look too worried.

Matt nodded. “Ok,” he agreed. His parents were amazing. He didn't know what he would do without them.

Eventually they headed off to their beds. Matt didn't sleep very well. It was restless and he woke up several times over the course of the night. Dad had to all but drag him out of bed and encourage him to eat and make himself presentable. Matt wasn't very productive that day, but Dad ordered him to do work in his office. Probably so that he could keep an eye on him and Matt wouldn't have to worry about dealing with other people. Not many people would come to him without an appointment.

Shiro would, though. And he did. Shiro, the last person he wanted to see. 

Dad saw the look of panic Matt gave him when Shiro came in. He handed Matt a stack of papers. “I need you to make copies for me,” he directed. Matt nodded and hurried out of the room. He looked at the papers. He strongly doubted Dad actually needed copies of these papers.

God, he loved his Dad.

He took longer to make those copies than he really needed to. Hey, he should make sure they were perfectly lined up, right? When he'd wasted hopefully the right amount of time, he came back. Shiro was gone, thank god. He couldn't face him right now.

“Thank you,” Matt mumbled, dropping the originals and copies on Sam's desk in separate piles.

“He's just worried about you, you know,” Dad said. “I'm not saying you have to talk to him or anything, but he just wants to help.”

Matt sighed. “I know. I just… I don't want them to worry about me. Any of my friends. I don't want them to think different of me.”

Dad frowned. “Would you rather cut them off entirely?”

Matt sank down on Dad's couch. “I don't know,” he admitted. “I just… I don't know how to handle this. I've never… I've never had this happen before.” His facade had never cracked before. Not in front of his friends. Sure, he'd made plenty of self-deprecating jokes, but they were just that. Jokes. Everyone made those.

Dad came and sat down next to him. He took one of Matt's hands. “Matt, you know I support you no matter what, but I don't think cutting off your friends is… healthy.”

Matt leaned forward to put his face in Dad's side. He dropped Matt's hand and turned to hug him. Sure, physical affection was generally discouraged on Garrison property, but they were alone. It didn't matter.

“You know I love you,” Dad said softly. “But sometimes it bears repeating. I love you.” He pressed a kiss to the top of Matt's head.

“You're gonna make me cry, Dad,” Matt complained, tucking his head under Dad's chin. He was so sweet. He was such a good dad.

“Sometimes that can be good,” Sam replied. “I don't know what you're going through, but your journey will include some tears. And that's ok.”

Matt sniffled. “I love you too,” he mumbled. He wasn't ok, not yet, but Dad was right. He was getting there


End file.
